I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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