yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
