Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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