I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
