YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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