He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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