I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
