he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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