Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
