Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
