I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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