I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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