No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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