hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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