so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
