my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
