Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
