Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
