i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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