you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
