How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
