i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize