OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I understand Curling. That high.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
