How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize