Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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