i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
