im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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