dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize