So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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