he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
