So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If I die, sorry about rent.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
