Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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