Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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