Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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