3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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