Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
