Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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