who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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