a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
