12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
