When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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