I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We left the knife in your bed.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
