Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
