Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
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