you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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