checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
