Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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