Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
All the doctor said was why
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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