My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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