My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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