And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
