She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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