dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize