His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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