i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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