The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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