yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
