I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
