So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
