I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
