Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
