please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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