ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Randomize
